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Setting Attainable Goals Rather than Living in the “Shoulds”

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In my last blog post, I spoke about dealing with “shoulds.” In this blog, I will explore goal setting as a valuable way of actively dealing with the “shoulds” that are truly important to us. With some “shoulds,” we may find that we do not feel they are important enough to set as a goal; these “shoulds” need to be reframed in our mind and let go of. If they are not important enough to set as a goal, they are not important enough for us to waste mental energy on them.

Steps toward setting an attainable goal rather than living in the “shoulds”:

1. Write it down on paper

Telling ourselves over and over that we “should” do something typically causes us to feel false guilt, like we will never be able to achieve the intended target. Writing it down gives us a visual reminder of what we are working towards. Often, when we write things down, it moves “shoulds” out of our mind and helps us feel like we have a plan, so we no longer have to replay it over and over our brains.

2. Break it into manageable chunks

Small goals cause us to feel hopeful, as we begin to strive towards those goals and see small successes. Breaking a larger goal into chunks makes it feel more attainable and allows you to see your progress along the way.

3. Begin working towards it

As you begin working towards your goal, it is important to be realistic. Allow yourself to celebrate little successes as you go. Recognize that it is normal to experience “road bumps” and for goals to take longer to achieve than you thought they would. Often, people who experience “shoulds” also are perfectionists. Give yourself permission to not do it perfectly. Some progress is better than feeling like it is an overwhelming task that you need do perfectly, and as a result, never beginning.

4. Reevaluate

As you begin working toward your goal, you may realize that it is not realistic. For example, perhaps you set as a goal to spend one hour three days a week to speak to your aging grandmother. However, with your full-time job and your kids’ athletic schedules, you only seem to be spending an hour once a week. It is okay to reevaluate your goal. If you were previously wishing you “should” spend time with your grandmother, and now you are consistently speaking to her once a week, you are making progress toward your goal and that progress needs to be celebrated. Goals need to be reevaluated based on our schedule, our availability, and reality.

5. Actively deal with the “shoulds”

When we set goals for ourselves, the “shoulds” often try to creep in; when they do, we must actively address them. The “shoulds” can be debilitating, so we must reframe them and rework our goals accordingly. In the example above, the thought may creep in, “I really should spend more time with my grandma. My goal was three times a week and I’m only calling her once a week.” This statement will typically lead to feelings of guilt. Instead, saying, “My goal was to speak to her three times a week, but that doesn’t seem to be working. Maybe I need to change my goal to one or two times a week. On busy weeks I will for sure speak to her once, but on calmer weeks, I will aim for twice.” This reframing from a “should” to a realistic goal based on reality, is a healthy approach to addressing something that is important to you.

A Note for Consideration

Often, when ideas stay in our brains, we replay them over and over. They present themselves as “shoulds” or unachieved goals or guilt and regret. The same is true about experiences we have had. When we have experiences that we keep to ourselves, we tend to replay them over and over in our brains. Guilt, regret and subsequent bitterness often accompany these thoughts. Finding a way to get the thoughts out of our brains then frees up our brains so that we do not have to keep “replaying the tape” over and over. For “the shoulds” writing them out as attainable goals is a great way to get them out of our minds and begin dealing with them. For past experiences, writing them out can help our minds begin to process those experiences. It frees our brains to get it out; to give ourselves time to face and process those experiences.

Something like journaling helps us feel like we are letting those experiences out so that we do not have to keep replaying them over and over in our minds. We can look at those memories, regrets, and experiences, and release them. Some people even choose to rip them up and throw them away after journaling them, as an act of letting go of those past regrets. Other people type them on the computer and delete them after a period of time; hitting the backspace button and watching the words disappear. Whatever the chosen method, having a strategy to let out painful memories and “shoulds” is necessary to move forward and to live life to its fullest.

Dealing with “Shoulds”

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It has been said that the true definition of character is who we are when no one is looking. The truth is many of us play roles. We dress up and appear professional at work, when internally we question our decisions and if we’ve making the correct choice. We act like the perfect parent in front of others but lose patience in our own home, especially after four months of quarantine. Sometimes we take on roles, because we feel like we must in order to survive and navigate the world around us. Other times we take on roles because we feel like we “should.”

When we begin acting out of the “shoulds,” we act from a place of false guilt. We feel guilty, that we “should” do this or be this way, or we “should” do that. Don’t get me wrong, there are actions that will damage our relationships with others or violate the laws of society that we should not do and these are things that should create a sense of true guilt within us. However, there are many things that we believe that we “should” do, that come from a place of false guilt.

There are many “shoulds” that we take on that create false guilt and shame in our lives. Here are five common “shoulds” people believe:

Should: I should spend every waking minute with my children or I am a bad parent.

Truth: It is healthy to have hobbies and interests outside of your children. In addition, it is important to spend time by yourself to self-reflect, to grow as a person, and to get refreshed. These things demonstrate to your children the importance of living a healthy, balanced life and set a good example for your children to follow.

Should: I should always have the answers or people will question my knowledge as a professional.

Truth: It is okay if you don’t have all the answers and you tell the other person that you will look into it. This demonstrates to others that you are willing to research and learn, that you are honest and teachable, and that you will go above and beyond to find the answers to help them.

Should: I should have it all together or people will think less of me.

Truth: Life is messy. No one’s life is perfect, no matter what people make it look like on social media. Sometimes realizing that you don’t have it all together makes you more approachable to others. They see you dealing with life’s messes and surviving. This often results in people coming to you for advice and looking up to you for wisdom. In addition, pretending you’re perfect is exhausting. Being real and authentic is much more rewarding in the long run. However, with that being said, it is important to use judgment and caution when sharing life’s challenges with others because some people are not confidential or like to gossip.

Should: I should ______ more than I do.

Truth: Sometimes people believe that by saying “I should do this activity more,” that it will motivate them to be more productive. However, false guilt is generally more debilitating than it is motivating. Constantly “beating myself up” with my internal dialog is rarely helpful. These “shoulds” can apply to almost anything. I should pray more often. I should spend more time with my aging parent. I should read my Bible more often. I should spend more quality time with my spouse. I should clean my house more often. None of these things are bad. However, when something is important to you, it is more beneficial to set an attainable goal. The “shoulds” can be paralyzing, but goals can be productive and life-giving.

Should: I should not let _____ bother me so much.

Truth: Some people and situations are bothersome. Let’s face it: some people just irritate us and being around them is like listening to nails on a chalkboard. When we find ourselves dwelling on a person or situation that bothers us, we have several choices. We can speak (respectfully) to the person who bothers us about how we feel and try to resolve our differences. If this does not seem like a viable option, we can journal or speak to someone else about how we feel. We can give ourselves permission to be irritated for awhile; we don’t want to stay irritated forever because that only leads to unforgiveness and bitterness; however, sometimes situations are irritating and feelings are a normal part of life that we need to recognize and accept to move past them.

The key to dealing with the “shoulds” is to recognize their role in our lives and to begin actively acknowledging them. Once the “shoulds” are brought to the surface, we can intentionally begin to address them, as their presence often lead to stress, anxiety, and a feeling of being incapacitated.

Coming later this week: Setting attainable goals rather than living in the “shoulds.”