Tag Archives: self care

Setting Attainable Goals Rather than Living in the “Shoulds”

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In my last blog post, I spoke about dealing with “shoulds.” In this blog, I will explore goal setting as a valuable way of actively dealing with the “shoulds” that are truly important to us. With some “shoulds,” we may find that we do not feel they are important enough to set as a goal; these “shoulds” need to be reframed in our mind and let go of. If they are not important enough to set as a goal, they are not important enough for us to waste mental energy on them.

Steps toward setting an attainable goal rather than living in the “shoulds”:

1. Write it down on paper

Telling ourselves over and over that we “should” do something typically causes us to feel false guilt, like we will never be able to achieve the intended target. Writing it down gives us a visual reminder of what we are working towards. Often, when we write things down, it moves “shoulds” out of our mind and helps us feel like we have a plan, so we no longer have to replay it over and over our brains.

2. Break it into manageable chunks

Small goals cause us to feel hopeful, as we begin to strive towards those goals and see small successes. Breaking a larger goal into chunks makes it feel more attainable and allows you to see your progress along the way.

3. Begin working towards it

As you begin working towards your goal, it is important to be realistic. Allow yourself to celebrate little successes as you go. Recognize that it is normal to experience “road bumps” and for goals to take longer to achieve than you thought they would. Often, people who experience “shoulds” also are perfectionists. Give yourself permission to not do it perfectly. Some progress is better than feeling like it is an overwhelming task that you need do perfectly, and as a result, never beginning.

4. Reevaluate

As you begin working toward your goal, you may realize that it is not realistic. For example, perhaps you set as a goal to spend one hour three days a week to speak to your aging grandmother. However, with your full-time job and your kids’ athletic schedules, you only seem to be spending an hour once a week. It is okay to reevaluate your goal. If you were previously wishing you “should” spend time with your grandmother, and now you are consistently speaking to her once a week, you are making progress toward your goal and that progress needs to be celebrated. Goals need to be reevaluated based on our schedule, our availability, and reality.

5. Actively deal with the “shoulds”

When we set goals for ourselves, the “shoulds” often try to creep in; when they do, we must actively address them. The “shoulds” can be debilitating, so we must reframe them and rework our goals accordingly. In the example above, the thought may creep in, “I really should spend more time with my grandma. My goal was three times a week and I’m only calling her once a week.” This statement will typically lead to feelings of guilt. Instead, saying, “My goal was to speak to her three times a week, but that doesn’t seem to be working. Maybe I need to change my goal to one or two times a week. On busy weeks I will for sure speak to her once, but on calmer weeks, I will aim for twice.” This reframing from a “should” to a realistic goal based on reality, is a healthy approach to addressing something that is important to you.

A Note for Consideration

Often, when ideas stay in our brains, we replay them over and over. They present themselves as “shoulds” or unachieved goals or guilt and regret. The same is true about experiences we have had. When we have experiences that we keep to ourselves, we tend to replay them over and over in our brains. Guilt, regret and subsequent bitterness often accompany these thoughts. Finding a way to get the thoughts out of our brains then frees up our brains so that we do not have to keep “replaying the tape” over and over. For “the shoulds” writing them out as attainable goals is a great way to get them out of our minds and begin dealing with them. For past experiences, writing them out can help our minds begin to process those experiences. It frees our brains to get it out; to give ourselves time to face and process those experiences.

Something like journaling helps us feel like we are letting those experiences out so that we do not have to keep replaying them over and over in our minds. We can look at those memories, regrets, and experiences, and release them. Some people even choose to rip them up and throw them away after journaling them, as an act of letting go of those past regrets. Other people type them on the computer and delete them after a period of time; hitting the backspace button and watching the words disappear. Whatever the chosen method, having a strategy to let out painful memories and “shoulds” is necessary to move forward and to live life to its fullest.

Dealing with “Shoulds”

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It has been said that the true definition of character is who we are when no one is looking. The truth is many of us play roles. We dress up and appear professional at work, when internally we question our decisions and if we’ve making the correct choice. We act like the perfect parent in front of others but lose patience in our own home, especially after four months of quarantine. Sometimes we take on roles, because we feel like we must in order to survive and navigate the world around us. Other times we take on roles because we feel like we “should.”

When we begin acting out of the “shoulds,” we act from a place of false guilt. We feel guilty, that we “should” do this or be this way, or we “should” do that. Don’t get me wrong, there are actions that will damage our relationships with others or violate the laws of society that we should not do and these are things that should create a sense of true guilt within us. However, there are many things that we believe that we “should” do, that come from a place of false guilt.

There are many “shoulds” that we take on that create false guilt and shame in our lives. Here are five common “shoulds” people believe:

Should: I should spend every waking minute with my children or I am a bad parent.

Truth: It is healthy to have hobbies and interests outside of your children. In addition, it is important to spend time by yourself to self-reflect, to grow as a person, and to get refreshed. These things demonstrate to your children the importance of living a healthy, balanced life and set a good example for your children to follow.

Should: I should always have the answers or people will question my knowledge as a professional.

Truth: It is okay if you don’t have all the answers and you tell the other person that you will look into it. This demonstrates to others that you are willing to research and learn, that you are honest and teachable, and that you will go above and beyond to find the answers to help them.

Should: I should have it all together or people will think less of me.

Truth: Life is messy. No one’s life is perfect, no matter what people make it look like on social media. Sometimes realizing that you don’t have it all together makes you more approachable to others. They see you dealing with life’s messes and surviving. This often results in people coming to you for advice and looking up to you for wisdom. In addition, pretending you’re perfect is exhausting. Being real and authentic is much more rewarding in the long run. However, with that being said, it is important to use judgment and caution when sharing life’s challenges with others because some people are not confidential or like to gossip.

Should: I should ______ more than I do.

Truth: Sometimes people believe that by saying “I should do this activity more,” that it will motivate them to be more productive. However, false guilt is generally more debilitating than it is motivating. Constantly “beating myself up” with my internal dialog is rarely helpful. These “shoulds” can apply to almost anything. I should pray more often. I should spend more time with my aging parent. I should read my Bible more often. I should spend more quality time with my spouse. I should clean my house more often. None of these things are bad. However, when something is important to you, it is more beneficial to set an attainable goal. The “shoulds” can be paralyzing, but goals can be productive and life-giving.

Should: I should not let _____ bother me so much.

Truth: Some people and situations are bothersome. Let’s face it: some people just irritate us and being around them is like listening to nails on a chalkboard. When we find ourselves dwelling on a person or situation that bothers us, we have several choices. We can speak (respectfully) to the person who bothers us about how we feel and try to resolve our differences. If this does not seem like a viable option, we can journal or speak to someone else about how we feel. We can give ourselves permission to be irritated for awhile; we don’t want to stay irritated forever because that only leads to unforgiveness and bitterness; however, sometimes situations are irritating and feelings are a normal part of life that we need to recognize and accept to move past them.

The key to dealing with the “shoulds” is to recognize their role in our lives and to begin actively acknowledging them. Once the “shoulds” are brought to the surface, we can intentionally begin to address them, as their presence often lead to stress, anxiety, and a feeling of being incapacitated.

Coming later this week: Setting attainable goals rather than living in the “shoulds.”

Understanding and Evaluating Busyness in our Lives

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Busyness. Some seasons of life are just busy, and sometimes busyness is a necessary part of life. Work, raising kids, and household tasks can result in full days. However, not all seasons are as busy as others, and some seasons of life are meant for relaxing and recovering, but if we are not careful, we can easily fill them with busyness. It is important to spend time evaluating the roll of busyness in our lives to ensure that busyness serves its appropriate place.

There are several common reasons busyness can creep into our days.

Feeling like there are more tasks than time.

For me, busyness often results from a feeling that I have more to do than time, and this is a common feeling for many mothers. For us, when summer break rolls around, we are usually ready to travel and relax. However, with a full-time job and four kids, travel then encompasses the extra time I would have to get activities accomplished. When I finally do have some time, such as this summer because of not traveling due to COVID-19, it is easy for me to find tasks to fill up each and every day: clean out and organize; deep clean; do random art and science projects with the kids that we have around the house but never seem to have time to do; purge infrequently used items; and the list goes on. For me, it is very easy to busy myself with projects, not knowing when I will have time to do those tasks again.

One thing that I must do during down times like these is create a schedule and prioritize what I truly want to do. I prioritize what I most want to get done and create a schedule that intentionally includes time with my husband and children; time for journaling, reading, and self-reflection; time for professional interests; time for projects; and time to relax. I find that if I am not intentional about some type of schedule during unstructured times, one of two things happen: I get to the end of summer and have accomplished nothing on my to-do list or I get to the end of summer and feel like I didn’t allow myself to relax or be refreshed before starting work again in the fall. Both feelings are extremely frustrating, so flexible schedules, including intentionally scheduling fun days/activities help me stay on track, preventing me from either completing checking out and accomplishing nothing or surrounding myself with projects and busyness because I am unsure when I will have the chance again. I also intentionally remind myself that life comes in seasons, and there will be other slow seasons, so I don’t have to accomplish everything in 60 days! If I don’t go through the storage totes this summer, I may have some time over Christmas or Spring Break, or if not, I may have time in two years. Regardless, it will be okay.

Avoiding Emotions

There is another common issue that can lead to extreme busyness. Sometimes busyness can be a sign that we are avoiding emotions on a deeper level. Some people are secretly afraid of being alone with themselves without the television on or something with which to busy themselves. Other times people use busyness to ignore pain buried in their hearts, and “push through” finding one task after another so they do not have to experience the feelings associated with past hurts.

Athletes know that sometimes pushing through pain is a good thing. Some pain builds muscle and strength. However, athletes must also learn the difference between helpful and unhelpful pain, as because certain pain can indicate a broken bone, a muscle tear, or a serious issue. Pushing through that kind of pain can make an injury worse. The same is true of our emotional life: there are times when difficult things happen and we must push through the emotional pain to survive. Sometimes seasons of life are hard and we have to push through. However, there are also seasons in life where we must allow ourselves to reflect and face the pain of the difficult seasons, whether that looks like journaling, drawing, praying, talking to a counselor, or crying with a friend. When truly painful circumstances happen, continuing to push through that pain causes further damage inside of us, just like pushing through pain after breaking a bone. Unresolved emotional pain leads to bitterness, anger, and emotional numbness.

We must allow ourselves to face and process our pain, asking God to show us where He was in the midst of our most painful experiences. We must also allow ourselves to grieve our disappointed desires because disappointed desires often lead to emotional pain. When we avoid emotions and emotional pain, we often become “human doings” rather than “human beings.” Forgetting how to be, we surround ourselves with busyness and grow further and further away from our true selves. We distance ourselves from the pain, but in blocking out pain, we prevent ourselves from feeling anything. Eventually, we just begin to go through the motions of living, without really living. Numb. Feeling nothing…but underneath the numbness is a broken heart with so many emotions waiting to come out. Sometimes numbness may be accompanied with anger–the “safe” and socially acceptable emotion. However, at its core, anger is a surface emotion, meaning that when anger surfaces, there is another emotion underneath that may not be “safe” for us to feel: hurt, betrayal, brokenness, failure.

Finding our identity in our children

Another issue that leads to busyness is a desire to have very involved children. Often this begins as a desire to have well-rounded children. However, as the activities begin to encompass every waking moment, many find that they have a hard time saying “no” to their children’s activities because they do not want to deprive them of opportunities. Other parents want their children to have all of the experiences they had or experiences that they were never able to have. In these instances, the parents’ identities become more and more wrapped around their children’s successes and failures or the activities in which they are involved.

From time to time, we must evaluate the time we are devoting to our kids’ activities. Did I enroll Sally in cheerleading because I always wanted to be a cheerleader and was never able to be one? Am I afraid that saying “no” to Johnny will cause a meltdown that is better to be avoided? Am I living vicariously through my children? Do I feel guilty if I don’t allow my children to do all of the activities that they desire?

Sometimes both children and parents need down time. If we find that we are running from one activity to another to another, we may need to reevaluate. Perhaps the kids are at an age where they are trying to build up their college application and resume so they need to be involved in numerous activities, or perhaps the kids are in activities during times that their parents are still at work. However, during unstructured interactions and play, children learn to be creative, to relate to others, to compromise, to self-regulate, and a host of other life essentials, so it is important that they are allowed to have unstructured time to develop these skills. If busyness and activities are overtaking all downtime, prioritizing and reevaluating may be necessary.

Questions to Ask

If we find our days encompassed with busyness, it may be time to take a step back and ask ourselves some hard questions:

Do I need to be as busy as I am or am I using busyness to avoid something: emotions, relational connectedness, etc?

Do I secretly fear I may not have down time again, or at least not for a very long time?

Am I basing my worth as a parent on how many activities my kids are involved in?

Have I been through a difficult or painful season that I need to process?

Do I constantly feel numb or angry?

What is the most effective way for me to process my feelings and experiences?

Do I truly know myself or am I afraid to be alone with myself?

As we ask ourselves these questions, we may find that the answer to all of these questions is no and that we are just in a busy season. However, if we find ourselves in one busy season after another, we may need to take a step back and allow some time for self-reflection. Our feelings are a barometer to let us know what is going on inside of us, and this type of self-reflection can help us ensure that we are emotionally healthy.

Busyness is sometimes an essential part of life, but balance and emotional well-being are a must. Self-reflection can help us ensure that busyness serves a proper place in our lives, and that our busyness does not stem from a faulty belief system or emotions that we are not allowing ourselves to face. These types of self check-ins can help us live more balanced, fulfilled, and emotionally healthy lives.

The “Human Doing” Debacle

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As summer vacation begins, the much-needed break from homeschool and work-from-home has arrived. The very thing I have longed for is now at my finger tips. However, with most of our typical summer festivities closed or cancelled, I now face two more months with kids home and little to do. Even though some things are open, I still don’t love the idea of traipsing all over creation with four kids, as COVID-19 and protests/riots are still a present reality.

The glares I get in public as a group of five, with kids who are too big for shopping carts, but who still just don’t seem to get the logistics of social distancing, just don’t seem worth it. In addition, going shopping and purchasing clothing items without being able to try them on growing kids, and then having to make another trip to the store to return anything that doesn’t fit, just seems like a tremendous inconvenience. Driving through downtown areas where we may encounter protesters feels very unsafe with four kids in tow. We have done all of our art projects, all of the quarantine ideas that were worth doing, all of our puzzles at least once, and played all of our games countless times.

The kids are bored, but I don’t feel like I have the mental energy to entertain them. My to-do list is growing faster than I can keep up with due to little things that I never have time to do in the midst of “normal life.” Wanting to knock out my to-do list, but feeling the need to rest and recover, causes a plethora of emotions: anxiety that I will surround myself with busyness and to-do lists and not enjoy my summer; while at the same time worrying that I will not capitalize on my time and strategically use my summer for the things most important to me; guilt that I don’t want to entertain my children all summer; and fear that I will arrive at work in August not feeling refreshed because of my summer projects. All these emotions and thoughts swirl around in my brain.

Then the realization sets in: I have forgotten how to “be.” I have once again switched to the mindset of a “human doing” rather than a “human being.” As a mother, there is a lot that needs to be done, both for the kids and to maintain a household. However, I cannot lose sight of the fact that I am a human being, and as such, I must allow myself to “be.” Pushing ourselves to go-go-go and always striving to accomplish to-do lists and goals can quickly lead to burn out. We must allow ourselves to take a step back and regroup. Yes, some seasons of life are just busy, but we also need to find little opportunities to rest, recover, relax, and do things we love so that we do not fall into the trap of becoming “human doings.”

We were created to “be:” to enjoy community with other people, to enjoy sunrises and sunsets and mountain views and ripples across lakes, to enjoy nature sounds, and to embrace the person God created us to be. Sometimes in life’s busyness, we lose sight of this, but down-times are great opportunities to reflect and ensure that we continue to live as human beings, rather than as human doings.