Tag Archives: motherhood

Understanding and Evaluating Busyness in our Lives

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Busyness. Some seasons of life are just busy, and sometimes busyness is a necessary part of life. Work, raising kids, and household tasks can result in full days. However, not all seasons are as busy as others, and some seasons of life are meant for relaxing and recovering, but if we are not careful, we can easily fill them with busyness. It is important to spend time evaluating the roll of busyness in our lives to ensure that busyness serves its appropriate place.

There are several common reasons busyness can creep into our days.

Feeling like there are more tasks than time.

For me, busyness often results from a feeling that I have more to do than time, and this is a common feeling for many mothers. For us, when summer break rolls around, we are usually ready to travel and relax. However, with a full-time job and four kids, travel then encompasses the extra time I would have to get activities accomplished. When I finally do have some time, such as this summer because of not traveling due to COVID-19, it is easy for me to find tasks to fill up each and every day: clean out and organize; deep clean; do random art and science projects with the kids that we have around the house but never seem to have time to do; purge infrequently used items; and the list goes on. For me, it is very easy to busy myself with projects, not knowing when I will have time to do those tasks again.

One thing that I must do during down times like these is create a schedule and prioritize what I truly want to do. I prioritize what I most want to get done and create a schedule that intentionally includes time with my husband and children; time for journaling, reading, and self-reflection; time for professional interests; time for projects; and time to relax. I find that if I am not intentional about some type of schedule during unstructured times, one of two things happen: I get to the end of summer and have accomplished nothing on my to-do list or I get to the end of summer and feel like I didn’t allow myself to relax or be refreshed before starting work again in the fall. Both feelings are extremely frustrating, so flexible schedules, including intentionally scheduling fun days/activities help me stay on track, preventing me from either completing checking out and accomplishing nothing or surrounding myself with projects and busyness because I am unsure when I will have the chance again. I also intentionally remind myself that life comes in seasons, and there will be other slow seasons, so I don’t have to accomplish everything in 60 days! If I don’t go through the storage totes this summer, I may have some time over Christmas or Spring Break, or if not, I may have time in two years. Regardless, it will be okay.

Avoiding Emotions

There is another common issue that can lead to extreme busyness. Sometimes busyness can be a sign that we are avoiding emotions on a deeper level. Some people are secretly afraid of being alone with themselves without the television on or something with which to busy themselves. Other times people use busyness to ignore pain buried in their hearts, and “push through” finding one task after another so they do not have to experience the feelings associated with past hurts.

Athletes know that sometimes pushing through pain is a good thing. Some pain builds muscle and strength. However, athletes must also learn the difference between helpful and unhelpful pain, as because certain pain can indicate a broken bone, a muscle tear, or a serious issue. Pushing through that kind of pain can make an injury worse. The same is true of our emotional life: there are times when difficult things happen and we must push through the emotional pain to survive. Sometimes seasons of life are hard and we have to push through. However, there are also seasons in life where we must allow ourselves to reflect and face the pain of the difficult seasons, whether that looks like journaling, drawing, praying, talking to a counselor, or crying with a friend. When truly painful circumstances happen, continuing to push through that pain causes further damage inside of us, just like pushing through pain after breaking a bone. Unresolved emotional pain leads to bitterness, anger, and emotional numbness.

We must allow ourselves to face and process our pain, asking God to show us where He was in the midst of our most painful experiences. We must also allow ourselves to grieve our disappointed desires because disappointed desires often lead to emotional pain. When we avoid emotions and emotional pain, we often become “human doings” rather than “human beings.” Forgetting how to be, we surround ourselves with busyness and grow further and further away from our true selves. We distance ourselves from the pain, but in blocking out pain, we prevent ourselves from feeling anything. Eventually, we just begin to go through the motions of living, without really living. Numb. Feeling nothing…but underneath the numbness is a broken heart with so many emotions waiting to come out. Sometimes numbness may be accompanied with anger–the “safe” and socially acceptable emotion. However, at its core, anger is a surface emotion, meaning that when anger surfaces, there is another emotion underneath that may not be “safe” for us to feel: hurt, betrayal, brokenness, failure.

Finding our identity in our children

Another issue that leads to busyness is a desire to have very involved children. Often this begins as a desire to have well-rounded children. However, as the activities begin to encompass every waking moment, many find that they have a hard time saying “no” to their children’s activities because they do not want to deprive them of opportunities. Other parents want their children to have all of the experiences they had or experiences that they were never able to have. In these instances, the parents’ identities become more and more wrapped around their children’s successes and failures or the activities in which they are involved.

From time to time, we must evaluate the time we are devoting to our kids’ activities. Did I enroll Sally in cheerleading because I always wanted to be a cheerleader and was never able to be one? Am I afraid that saying “no” to Johnny will cause a meltdown that is better to be avoided? Am I living vicariously through my children? Do I feel guilty if I don’t allow my children to do all of the activities that they desire?

Sometimes both children and parents need down time. If we find that we are running from one activity to another to another, we may need to reevaluate. Perhaps the kids are at an age where they are trying to build up their college application and resume so they need to be involved in numerous activities, or perhaps the kids are in activities during times that their parents are still at work. However, during unstructured interactions and play, children learn to be creative, to relate to others, to compromise, to self-regulate, and a host of other life essentials, so it is important that they are allowed to have unstructured time to develop these skills. If busyness and activities are overtaking all downtime, prioritizing and reevaluating may be necessary.

Questions to Ask

If we find our days encompassed with busyness, it may be time to take a step back and ask ourselves some hard questions:

Do I need to be as busy as I am or am I using busyness to avoid something: emotions, relational connectedness, etc?

Do I secretly fear I may not have down time again, or at least not for a very long time?

Am I basing my worth as a parent on how many activities my kids are involved in?

Have I been through a difficult or painful season that I need to process?

Do I constantly feel numb or angry?

What is the most effective way for me to process my feelings and experiences?

Do I truly know myself or am I afraid to be alone with myself?

As we ask ourselves these questions, we may find that the answer to all of these questions is no and that we are just in a busy season. However, if we find ourselves in one busy season after another, we may need to take a step back and allow some time for self-reflection. Our feelings are a barometer to let us know what is going on inside of us, and this type of self-reflection can help us ensure that we are emotionally healthy.

Busyness is sometimes an essential part of life, but balance and emotional well-being are a must. Self-reflection can help us ensure that busyness serves a proper place in our lives, and that our busyness does not stem from a faulty belief system or emotions that we are not allowing ourselves to face. These types of self check-ins can help us live more balanced, fulfilled, and emotionally healthy lives.

A Mother’s Day Reflection

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Some people seem to have this amazing ability to set goals, and plan their lives, and their lives go according to the plans. For me, I can definitely say that my life looks very different than I planned. There have been many times in life I have found myself grieving disappointed desires. I had pictures in my brain of how life was supposed to go, and life just didn’t seem to turn out that way.

I planned to get married, have two and a half kids, live in a neighborhood with a white picket fence, and have an amazingly successful career, or something like that. I was going to live the American dream!

However, four kids later, I decided to work in the school system so I could have the same schedule as my children, rather than pursue a more lucrative career. Instead of a house with a white picket fence, we moved into a practical house that fits our family and is zoned for good schools. The amazing overseas trips my husband and I used to take, turned into state-side travel to allow us to travel economically with our family. My “cool” car got sold, so I could purchase a “mom car” to fit our large family.

I have slowly begun letting go of the picture of how life was “supposed” to look. Life is messy, and for most people, it doesn’t turn out how we expect. We realize how much things cost and how expensive kids can really be. Our dream job either doesn’t come or the demands are so great that we decide it may not be worth the cost. In the process, we have to adjust our picture of life and our expectations.

However, if we can allow ourselves to grieve our disappointed desires, letting go of the life we thought we wanted, we can more fully embrace to life we actually have. For me, I have four beautiful children who woke up at 6:45 this morning because they were so excited to celebrate me for Mother’s Day, and with my husband’s help, they brought me breakfast in bed. Then they sneaked into the kitchen to do dishes while I was outside, only after insisting on making me a new recipe they discovered for lunch.

I can’t say I have my dream house, or my dream car, or my dream career, but I have four amazing children and a wonderful husband who appreciate me and who celebrated me today. There are four little people who look up to me and who I am teaching to navigate life, and even though they sometimes aggravate me and push boundaries and make me feel like I’m losing my mind, I get glimpses of the amazing people they are becoming. I am helping impact the next generation, in my very own home. No, I never imagined my life would look like this; my picture looked very different.

But sometimes life doesn’t go the way we plan…and in it’s own unique way…it’s even better.

Happy Mother’s Day to all of the moms out there!!!

Reopening: Cautiously Hopeful

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  • To them, the sky is the limit.

With the announcement this week that many places are beginning Phase 1 of reopening, there is a sense of relief that has begun to fill households. The kids are excitedly making plans of when we can visit our loved ones or take a trip, even just a day trip. They excitedly discuss all the possibilities. To them, the sky is the limit.

For adults, many are skeptical. Can I safely go to the places that are reopening? Will I risk getting infected or infecting my loved ones? When will it be safe to stop social distancing? When will the stores and restaurants I love resume “business as normal?” There continue to be more questions than answers.

In spite of it all, there is a level of excitement in the air, a sense of relief, that we can slowly begin resuming life as normal. I long for the day I can sit and enjoy our favorite family-friendly restaurant or plan a date night to somewhere other than our kitchen and living room. In addition, my “travel bug” is stirring again. I am pretty sure my heart flipped when talk of opening the National Parks began.

There is a sense that the weight of the last few months may finally be lifting. My head tells me it may not, that this may all be “too good to be true,” but my heart leaps for joy at the possibility of my favorite places reopening and the ability to return to normalcy. How reopening will truly unfold is anyone’s guess. However, for now, I choose to be cautiously hopeful–hoping that things will slowly return to normal, but aware that at any moment stay-at-home orders may once again be implemented.

Perhaps my biggest wish is that I can go to the store and find flour, toilet paper, and meat shelves full once again. As I embrace the relief and hopefulness I now feel, I recognize that it will take time for life to fully return to normal. I also know that we will never be the same.

This season of life has changed us. It has made us appreciate our families that we have been unable to see. It has made us appreciate things we previously took for granted, like toilet paper and full shelves at the store, or being able to engage in social activities, or shop at stores we love. We have seen how quickly the economy can change or how jobs we thought were secure can suddenly vanish.

Many of the challenges and lessons of this season have been difficult to embrace, and they may not be over yet. However, for now, I choose to be cautiously hopeful that we will slowly begin picking up the pieces of the life we knew, and slowly rebuild a better future.

The Death of Laughter

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A few days ago, I was once again going through the motions of the day: get up, have coffee with my husband before he leaves for work, get settled into working from home, and then help the kids with distance learning. The schedule seems to work well, but for some reason, it now feels like it is sucking the life out of me. I would compare it to Wesley on “The Princess Bride” when he is told, “I’ve just sucked one year of your life away.”

Distance learning is wearing on me. One of my children was assigned a major project that we worked on until almost 9:00 every night last week. In the midst of long hours of distance learning and the kids just not understanding their assignments, the thought hit me, “I miss laughing.”

The last few weeks have been long and difficult. The routine that seemed to work for our family, now felt mundane. Some teachers began lessening the distance-learning load, but others seemed to think the kids had finally gotten the hang of it so they began assigning more. I can’t help thinking that I would much rather be on vacation, or at the beach, or just walking aimlessly around a mall.

However, as I worked from home in the morning, helped with distance learning in the afternoon, made dinner, and then helped with a project all evening, I realized that as much as I tell people the importance of having fun, I haven’t been following my own advice.

There are so many cute ideas of activities for fun at home, like making an indoor fort or having a scavenger hunt. The problem is, that I only have one child who would enjoy these things. The other ones would probably secretly enjoy it, but as middle schoolers, anything Mom suggests seems to be a stupid, horrible, awful idea…so most of time, the energy it would take to try to convince the kids that it would be fun, just doesn’t seem worth it.

I still haven’t really figured out what middle schoolers enjoy. I am convinced that what they enjoy is aggrevating their parents, acting too cool for anything parents suggest, and finding friends who are just as annoying as them. Don’t get me wrong, I love my middle schoolers. Nothing gives me more joy then trying to act cool in an effort to annoy them. It gives me great satisfaction to hear them say, “Mom, just don’t.” I find their quirky way of trying to figure out how to transition from childhood into adulthood endearing.

However, when you are trying to find ways to make quarantine more enjoyable, the words, “Mom, just don’t” put a damper on efforts to lighten the mood. Small children are demanding, but entertaining them is so much easier. They would be ecstatic about a scavenger hunt or a creative play fort. I could tell them to make me “dinner” with their play food or to make something with play dough, and it would keep them entertained for hours. However, that is not where we are in life.

Instead, I have middle schoolers and a high schooler with challenging distance learning classes, and an elementary school student who seems to have more work than any of them. All of this has created an atmosphere where fun seems to have disappeared. Thus creating the present state of affairs, where laughter is a distant memory.

Don’t get me wrong, there are times when we laugh, but the joy and light-heartedness that we previously enjoyed seems to have vanished. In its place are long hours of distance learning, working home, and no social interaction.

They say they are lifting stay-at-home orders and curfews, but what does that even mean? Many people are still worried about spending time with others and most places of entertainment are still closed. I long to see my friends, to experience some type of normalcy, but it feels so unachievable, and last week the epiphany that laughter seems lost was a sad reminder that I need to find small ways to bring laughter back into our home. So…

For now, I think I am going to brainstorm and make a list of 20 ways to effectively annoy middle schoolers.

Balance in the Midst of Uncertainty

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As we stay home, trying to figure out what our new lives look like, even with all of our fears and uncertainty, there is a sense of having more time than we typically do.

This feeling is almost liberating–finally having time to do all of the things that we never have time to do.

However, in my overzealous place of finally being able to have time to do these things, I have once again found myself over-committing. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not over-committing to obligations others have for me.

This is a unique type of over-committing: over-committing to things I love.

In my excitement of finally having time to do activities that I love, I am pushing myself harder than I have in years. I have found myself setting out after dinner on a six mile run to train for the half marathon I have always wanted to run and creating trellises for my backyard garden at 10:00 at night. Because these are all things I love and that I want to do, I don’t realize how late it’s getting or how exhausted I truly am.

The word balance needs to come back into focus. With transition and change, balance sometimes gets lost in the shuffle.

The last several weeks, that has definitely happened for me. Three weeks ago, before distance learning started, I began remembering all of the activities I love that I have stopped doing because of having young children. Once distance learning started, I was working, helping the kids with school work, and still trying to do all of those things, because they were bringing me so much joy.

However, too much of a good thing…is still too much…

I am exhausted and didn’t realize how exhausted because I was having so much fun. The pace that I was headed was not sustainable, and I realized I would send myself to a place of burnout if I didn’t slow down. Now I am having to regroup. Today, my body needs rest from running. My blog post may be shorter than usual, and I may veg out to a brainless movie later.

No matter what the season, balance is essential. Yes, balance sometimes gets out of sync during transitions, but we must be intentional about fighting for balance in our lives.

Balance is what helps prevent burnout–making sure we fulfill our (work) obligations, spending time with family, taking time for faith-based activities such as prayer and Bible reading, and making time for activities we love. Balance requires that we don’t allow one of these things to overtake our lives, even if it is an activity that we love.

This is an amazing chance for us to slow our lives down, to regroup and refocus on what is really important, but in the process, we need to find balance. If I am spending all of my time on one area, even if that area is doing things I love, I have not found balance, and I run the risk of burning myself out or hurting important relationships.

I encourage you to make a list–not a “to do list,” but instead, a list of all of the general categories that are important. For me, right now, that list would consist of work, distance learning, faith, family, hobbies, housework, and relaxing.

Once I know the categories that are important, I can consciously make an effort to ensure that I am spending time in each category, but not too much time in any one category.

These categories may change at various times in life, and we may need to spend more time in one particular category than others at different seasons of life, but the goal in finding balance is to make a conscious and intentional effort to spend (what you determine to be) an appropriate amount of time in each category that you designate as important.

The key to balance, is intentionality!

This week I lost sight of that. Now that the dust has begun to settle from juggling working from home and distance learning, I am hoping that I can find an appropriate balance to life in general. My hope for you is that you will do the same!!!

Navigating Life’s Seasons

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This current season of life is indescribable, unlike any season we have ever experienced. It is filled with uncertainty and more questions than answers. When this season started, it definitely blindsided many of us.

For me, I spent the first week home flipping out, wondering what I was going to do with all of my free time. As a mom of four, free time feels foreign, so the rare moments when I do get free time, I really don’t know what to do with myself. By the time I got over the panic of free time, it was my second week off and I had to start working from home. Working remotely definitely felt like my dream life. I was home, making a full-time salary, but still finding time to do things I loved and the kids were getting along great.

Then the third week happened. Our toilet paper supply was running low, so I made numerous (unsuccessful) trips to find toilet paper, along with worrying that we may not be able to find any by the time we run out. The kids started arguing, and in addition, distance learning started. I couldn’t find a schedule that seemed to work. Initially, I was doing my work first and then letting the kids start their distance learning once I was done working. That worked well, except that the kids weren’t getting done with their school work until seven or eight at night. Then I tried letting the kids start school in the morning, while I was working. The problem is that with four kids, someone always needs help, so then my work got neglected, and I found myself having to finish my work at 11:00 at night.

As I prepare to start my fourth week home, I can’t say I have found a good schedule yet. Actually, I would describe last week as a “chaotic disaster.” My daughters’ school work was taking them about six or seven hours a day to complete because of the amount of work that was being assigned, and my four kids constantly needed help on different subjects. It was enough to make me feel like I was losing my mind!

Honestly, my frustration levels were through the roof, and I really thought about e-mailing my kids principals to tell them we decided distance learning was ridiculous and I was no longer willing to do it, but then the weekend came and I had survived.

The life I viewed so fondly the week before had come crashing down, until the weekend came and I was able to regroup. Upon reflection, I remembered the saying my mentor used to tell me…life is mixture. Yes, there are seasons of life that are harder and seasons of life that are better than others , but most of life is a mixture of good and bad. Even though I felt like I was about to lose my mind, I was still finding time to run every day, which was something I stopped doing when the kids were little. I was also finding time to garden, to connect with friends via phone, and to spend fun/down time with my kids.

I can’t decide what to think during this season. One minute I love it and then the next minute I hate it. I am watching friends and neighbors lose jobs, hours being cut, and empty toilet paper shelves, but on the other hand, I have started running and gardening and organizing and blogging again. I have even signed up for a half marathon, which has been a goal of mine for years. I finally have time and energy to do some of these things.

One thing I know about seasons, though, is that they change. For some people, I know this is going to be an extremely difficult season. I still don’t know what type of season it will be for us. In some ways I am happy for this season and the opportunity to slow down a little and find myself again. In other ways, I am dreading this season. Distance learning seems like it will be the bane of my existence. The loss of overtime hours at work means that I have to postpone my home build even longer. In spite of all of this, I believe that things happen for a reason and I know that no season lasts forever. This season may be more difficult than some, but I need to remember to embrace the mixture, not denying the negative, but also not overlooking the positive. Many times I forget to see the positive. It’s so easy to get caught up in the stress of the moment and miss the special little moments along the way.

My challenge for myself, and my challenge for you, is to recognize and embrace those special moments. Seasons change. We will not have the chance to work remotely forever. The kids grow up quicker than we realize. Find special moments throughout the day, with your family and by yourself. Pick up the hobbies that you stopped because life got busy. Bake or play a game or do a puzzle with the kids. Whatever it looks like for you, find a way to make this season special and memorable, because this is a unique season. For me, I think it may be time to start keeping my gratitude journal again, as a way to focus on the positive aspects of life. For you, it may look different, but one thing is sure: whatever it looks like, I know that this will be a season that we will not soon forget!

Embracing My Unwanted Staycation

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I didn’t see this coming. Everything was going along as expected, and I have to say this blindsided me. I didn’t want this. In fact, I spent my third day home almost in tears, wondering how I was going to survive two weeks with nothing to do.

Transition. That has described my life the past 6 years. Normally I would organize, clean, or rearrange with my extra free time. However, if everything goes as planned, we are moving again this year, so what’s the point in making my current space cute and more organized?

Memories. Memories of being a stay-at-home mom. I really wanted to be a good stay-at-home mom when my kids were younger, and it’s not that I was a bad one. We did weekly trips to the local zoo, the library, and local parks. We had family game night, family movie night, read stories together, and snuggled frequently. But in the midst of it, I can’t say I really enjoyed it. I had a Master’s Degree, and I wasn’t using it. Although I tried to do little things on the side to make money, it wasn’t really enough to help our budget. While we somewhat struggled financially, I was home all day because the cost of putting four small children in daycare did not make it worthwhile for me to work outside the home. My entire identity became changing diapers, washing dishes, doing laundry, cleaning, and entertaining the kids. I was professionally unfulfilled and felt mostly useless. In addition, I was extremely lonely: home everyday by myself with very little adult interaction. Some mom’s say they were made to be stay-at-home moms, and I really wanted that to be me, but it just wasn’t.

Home. Now I was home for two weeks. After almost crying and basically feeling sorry for myself for about a day, I began to get excited about all of the possibilities! I was told by my employer that I could work from home, and that as long as I got my work done and put in a minimum amount of time, I wasn’t expected to work eight hours each day.

Possibilities. My brain now began to swirl with the possibilities. I had basically given up on my blog because of time constraints. Having a full-time job and four kids who are in sports and after-school activities, and several who struggle in school and need extra help with homework, absorb most of my time. I now had time to work and make my full-time income, while also having time to begin blogging again, and time to help my kids with virtual classes, to allow them to get ahead in areas with which they struggle.

Reflection. I realized it wasn’t being a stay-at-home mom that I disliked because it gave me so many sweet memories and moments with my kids. Instead, it was feeling like I wasn’t contributing to my family. If I could find a way to make a full-time income from home, and still have time to do some of the things I love, it would be a dream come true…as long as I could find some opportunities for social interaction!

Embracing my forced staycation. No, I didn’t want to be home, and what started as two weeks, has now because four at the minimum. No, I can’t even go to any of the local tourist spots. Yes, it’s eerie to go to the stores and see some of the shelves completely empty, and I’ve wondered if we may have to start using leaves as toilet paper. Yes, my kids are going stir-crazy from having to stay inside. However, for me, coronavirus has been an amazing chance to self-reflect on good memories, to better understand some of my past experiences, and to look forward to the future. No, I’m not excited that COVID-19 is affecting the health of people around the world. Nor am I happy that it destroyed my Spring Break travel plans. But I feel that life has now handed us what many of us silently asked for: a chance for life to slow down, time to do projects on our to-do lists, and time for us to explore possibilities for which we previously couldn’t find the time. For me that’s blogging. What is it for you?

As the saying goes…When life hands you lemons, make lemonade!