Tag Archives: momlife

Setting Attainable Goals Rather than Living in the “Shoulds”

Leave a reply

In my last blog post, I spoke about dealing with “shoulds.” In this blog, I will explore goal setting as a valuable way of actively dealing with the “shoulds” that are truly important to us. With some “shoulds,” we may find that we do not feel they are important enough to set as a goal; these “shoulds” need to be reframed in our mind and let go of. If they are not important enough to set as a goal, they are not important enough for us to waste mental energy on them.

Steps toward setting an attainable goal rather than living in the “shoulds”:

1. Write it down on paper

Telling ourselves over and over that we “should” do something typically causes us to feel false guilt, like we will never be able to achieve the intended target. Writing it down gives us a visual reminder of what we are working towards. Often, when we write things down, it moves “shoulds” out of our mind and helps us feel like we have a plan, so we no longer have to replay it over and over our brains.

2. Break it into manageable chunks

Small goals cause us to feel hopeful, as we begin to strive towards those goals and see small successes. Breaking a larger goal into chunks makes it feel more attainable and allows you to see your progress along the way.

3. Begin working towards it

As you begin working towards your goal, it is important to be realistic. Allow yourself to celebrate little successes as you go. Recognize that it is normal to experience “road bumps” and for goals to take longer to achieve than you thought they would. Often, people who experience “shoulds” also are perfectionists. Give yourself permission to not do it perfectly. Some progress is better than feeling like it is an overwhelming task that you need do perfectly, and as a result, never beginning.

4. Reevaluate

As you begin working toward your goal, you may realize that it is not realistic. For example, perhaps you set as a goal to spend one hour three days a week to speak to your aging grandmother. However, with your full-time job and your kids’ athletic schedules, you only seem to be spending an hour once a week. It is okay to reevaluate your goal. If you were previously wishing you “should” spend time with your grandmother, and now you are consistently speaking to her once a week, you are making progress toward your goal and that progress needs to be celebrated. Goals need to be reevaluated based on our schedule, our availability, and reality.

5. Actively deal with the “shoulds”

When we set goals for ourselves, the “shoulds” often try to creep in; when they do, we must actively address them. The “shoulds” can be debilitating, so we must reframe them and rework our goals accordingly. In the example above, the thought may creep in, “I really should spend more time with my grandma. My goal was three times a week and I’m only calling her once a week.” This statement will typically lead to feelings of guilt. Instead, saying, “My goal was to speak to her three times a week, but that doesn’t seem to be working. Maybe I need to change my goal to one or two times a week. On busy weeks I will for sure speak to her once, but on calmer weeks, I will aim for twice.” This reframing from a “should” to a realistic goal based on reality, is a healthy approach to addressing something that is important to you.

A Note for Consideration

Often, when ideas stay in our brains, we replay them over and over. They present themselves as “shoulds” or unachieved goals or guilt and regret. The same is true about experiences we have had. When we have experiences that we keep to ourselves, we tend to replay them over and over in our brains. Guilt, regret and subsequent bitterness often accompany these thoughts. Finding a way to get the thoughts out of our brains then frees up our brains so that we do not have to keep “replaying the tape” over and over. For “the shoulds” writing them out as attainable goals is a great way to get them out of our minds and begin dealing with them. For past experiences, writing them out can help our minds begin to process those experiences. It frees our brains to get it out; to give ourselves time to face and process those experiences.

Something like journaling helps us feel like we are letting those experiences out so that we do not have to keep replaying them over and over in our minds. We can look at those memories, regrets, and experiences, and release them. Some people even choose to rip them up and throw them away after journaling them, as an act of letting go of those past regrets. Other people type them on the computer and delete them after a period of time; hitting the backspace button and watching the words disappear. Whatever the chosen method, having a strategy to let out painful memories and “shoulds” is necessary to move forward and to live life to its fullest.

Dealing with “Shoulds”

Leave a reply

It has been said that the true definition of character is who we are when no one is looking. The truth is many of us play roles. We dress up and appear professional at work, when internally we question our decisions and if we’ve making the correct choice. We act like the perfect parent in front of others but lose patience in our own home, especially after four months of quarantine. Sometimes we take on roles, because we feel like we must in order to survive and navigate the world around us. Other times we take on roles because we feel like we “should.”

When we begin acting out of the “shoulds,” we act from a place of false guilt. We feel guilty, that we “should” do this or be this way, or we “should” do that. Don’t get me wrong, there are actions that will damage our relationships with others or violate the laws of society that we should not do and these are things that should create a sense of true guilt within us. However, there are many things that we believe that we “should” do, that come from a place of false guilt.

There are many “shoulds” that we take on that create false guilt and shame in our lives. Here are five common “shoulds” people believe:

Should: I should spend every waking minute with my children or I am a bad parent.

Truth: It is healthy to have hobbies and interests outside of your children. In addition, it is important to spend time by yourself to self-reflect, to grow as a person, and to get refreshed. These things demonstrate to your children the importance of living a healthy, balanced life and set a good example for your children to follow.

Should: I should always have the answers or people will question my knowledge as a professional.

Truth: It is okay if you don’t have all the answers and you tell the other person that you will look into it. This demonstrates to others that you are willing to research and learn, that you are honest and teachable, and that you will go above and beyond to find the answers to help them.

Should: I should have it all together or people will think less of me.

Truth: Life is messy. No one’s life is perfect, no matter what people make it look like on social media. Sometimes realizing that you don’t have it all together makes you more approachable to others. They see you dealing with life’s messes and surviving. This often results in people coming to you for advice and looking up to you for wisdom. In addition, pretending you’re perfect is exhausting. Being real and authentic is much more rewarding in the long run. However, with that being said, it is important to use judgment and caution when sharing life’s challenges with others because some people are not confidential or like to gossip.

Should: I should ______ more than I do.

Truth: Sometimes people believe that by saying “I should do this activity more,” that it will motivate them to be more productive. However, false guilt is generally more debilitating than it is motivating. Constantly “beating myself up” with my internal dialog is rarely helpful. These “shoulds” can apply to almost anything. I should pray more often. I should spend more time with my aging parent. I should read my Bible more often. I should spend more quality time with my spouse. I should clean my house more often. None of these things are bad. However, when something is important to you, it is more beneficial to set an attainable goal. The “shoulds” can be paralyzing, but goals can be productive and life-giving.

Should: I should not let _____ bother me so much.

Truth: Some people and situations are bothersome. Let’s face it: some people just irritate us and being around them is like listening to nails on a chalkboard. When we find ourselves dwelling on a person or situation that bothers us, we have several choices. We can speak (respectfully) to the person who bothers us about how we feel and try to resolve our differences. If this does not seem like a viable option, we can journal or speak to someone else about how we feel. We can give ourselves permission to be irritated for awhile; we don’t want to stay irritated forever because that only leads to unforgiveness and bitterness; however, sometimes situations are irritating and feelings are a normal part of life that we need to recognize and accept to move past them.

The key to dealing with the “shoulds” is to recognize their role in our lives and to begin actively acknowledging them. Once the “shoulds” are brought to the surface, we can intentionally begin to address them, as their presence often lead to stress, anxiety, and a feeling of being incapacitated.

Coming later this week: Setting attainable goals rather than living in the “shoulds.”

The Finish Line is in Sight!!!

Leave a reply
Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. ~Galatians 6:9

I feel weary; I feel very weary, but the one thing I can say is that the end is in sight, and I have survived! I can’t say I will be sprinting, or even jogging, across the finish line…more like crawling. But the finish line is in view, and I have made it! Don’t get me wrong, I wanted to quit at Week 1, and again at Week 3, and then again every week since then, but I have made it to the end!

Distance learning has been one of the hardest parenting challenges I have faced. Navigating distance learning with four kids, three who have unique learning needs, while trying to work from home has been extremely difficult. At least once a week I would ask my husband what he thought would happen if we just quit doing it. However, we kept putting one foot in front of the other, and now I can almost reach out and touch the finish line.

When I completed my half marathon earlier this month, it was a similar feeling. I don’t remember a lot about the last three miles because I was so exhausted that my brain didn’t seem to be working. It was 69% humidity when I started, and well into the 80s when I finished; the combination completely zapped my energy. However, my body seemed to be on autopilot, so I pushed through until the end. By the time I reached the finish line, my brain was foggy and my entire body hurt. I wish I could say I sprinted across the finish line, but that was not the case. I reached the finish line feeling like I had nothing left to give. I didn’t achieve the time goal I had set for myself and didn’t finish as strong as I had hoped, but I finished. A goal that I had for my entire adult life was achieved, and with that came a huge sense of accomplishment.

As I finished the half marathon and as we finish distance learning, I can’t say that I have “run the race to win” because in both cases, I have reached the finish line feeling like I have nothing left to give and like I barely made it. However, what I can say, is that I persevered and finished. I was tired. I was weary. And I wanted to quit so many times. But there is something to be said for perseverance.

Distance learning has been hard. Running my first half marathon was hard. Quarantine and social distancing have been hard. But in the midst of it, we have persevered, and there is something to be said for that. When we wanted to quit, we didn’t. We kept putting one foot in front of the other, and we survived. We are stronger than we realize, and we have now reached the finish line. Summer break is here, which means a break from juggling working from home and the kids’ school work. It means a chance to regroup and refocus and to plan fun, creative activities with the kids. The finish line is in sight, and even though, in many cases, it feels like we are crawling to the finish line, we have persevered, and if nothing else, we have finished.

Preparing for a New Norm

Leave a reply
A new day is dawning…but I have no idea what to expect…

It may sound shocking, but I went to the grocery store Friday evening for the first time since the new social distancing guidelines have been implemented. Because of our work/home school schedule, it has been more convenient for my husband to do our shopping, so I have not been to a store for well over a month. I have not been shopping since one way aisles, limited capacity, the widespread use of face masks, and check outs with Plexiglas barriers have begun.

The last time I was in the store, everything was normal, except for the fact that the store shelves were empty of eggs, milk, fruits, vegetables, toilet paper, and other essential items. Now the stores were full (besides the toilet paper aisle), but “Do not enter” signs were posted on rotating ends of the aisles.

Forgetting how much life has changed since I have been staying home, I began my shopping, only to begin noticing people giving me terrible looks. I realized that the two customers in my aisle were both going the same way…the opposite direction that I was going. I quickly apologized and corrected my direction, but the reality of how much life has changed in a few short months quickly began to set in.

Only two months ago, I was at work preparing for Spring Break, thankful that it was finally here. Life was going smoothly, but like any school employee, I desperately needed Spring Break.

So quickly after Spring Break began, though, life began to change. What was previously discussed on the news as a virus in China, began to spread to the United States. Social distancing, stay-home orders, and curfews quickly followed.

In the two months since Spring Break began, the neighbors on both sides of me moved away, and because of my husband’s flexible schedule, he had begun doing all of the shopping, so I hadn’t been in stores since the beginning of April. Because of these things, my social interaction has been zero and my contact with the outside world has been non-existent.

Where I live, most people keep to themselves and don’t talk to the strangers around them. However, being at the grocery store after reemerging from isolation, I experienced a different kind of distancing and unfriendliness. The general courtesies that occur, such as an occasional “excuse me” or a quick conversation with someone behind you in line, were replaced with distance and coldness. If there were smiles of kindness, they were hidden behind masks. All of the general pleasantries had vanished. It almost felt like being in a sterile, serious science lab. The cashier and bagger were decently friendly, but no one else looked at each other or smiled, and if someone moved in their direction, they moved to distance themselves appropriately.

After my grocery store experience, the reality set in that I don’t think we will return to “normal.” All signs seem to point to a new normal, and it’s hard to picture what life will look like when all of this is over. Will I be able to hug or shake hands with people? Will more of the pleasantries between passing strangers resume? Will one way aisles stay forever? And the question on every parent’s mind: will my kids get to return to school in the fall?

Once again, I come back to the fact that there are so many more questions than answers. I long for life to go back to “normal,” but also understand that it probably never will. Mentally, I am trying to prepare for a new normal, but I feel like I don’t even know how to prepare…because I don’t even know what to expect.

For now, I keep putting one foot in front of the other. As Pabbie the troll said in Frozen II, “When one can see no future, all one can do is the next right thing.” I have no idea what the future will look like, but what I do know is that the next two weeks I will spend finishing up my work and home school for the year. After that, I have “to-do” list to begin working on, and in the midst of that, I have activities that the kids have been asking to do: a crystal-growing science kit, a hurricane tube, new recipes to try, and rooms to rearrange and redecorate.

At this point, I have few guesses as to what life will look like after this, but I right now, I know that the next right thing is to help my own kids and my students finish the school year strong, and then to help my kids enjoy a low-key summer. I don’t know what the future holds, but that is okay; I don’t have to know. The future will slowly begin to unfold when it’s time. For now, this is my “next right thing;” what is yours?

A Mother’s Day Reflection

1 Reply

Some people seem to have this amazing ability to set goals, and plan their lives, and their lives go according to the plans. For me, I can definitely say that my life looks very different than I planned. There have been many times in life I have found myself grieving disappointed desires. I had pictures in my brain of how life was supposed to go, and life just didn’t seem to turn out that way.

I planned to get married, have two and a half kids, live in a neighborhood with a white picket fence, and have an amazingly successful career, or something like that. I was going to live the American dream!

However, four kids later, I decided to work in the school system so I could have the same schedule as my children, rather than pursue a more lucrative career. Instead of a house with a white picket fence, we moved into a practical house that fits our family and is zoned for good schools. The amazing overseas trips my husband and I used to take, turned into state-side travel to allow us to travel economically with our family. My “cool” car got sold, so I could purchase a “mom car” to fit our large family.

I have slowly begun letting go of the picture of how life was “supposed” to look. Life is messy, and for most people, it doesn’t turn out how we expect. We realize how much things cost and how expensive kids can really be. Our dream job either doesn’t come or the demands are so great that we decide it may not be worth the cost. In the process, we have to adjust our picture of life and our expectations.

However, if we can allow ourselves to grieve our disappointed desires, letting go of the life we thought we wanted, we can more fully embrace to life we actually have. For me, I have four beautiful children who woke up at 6:45 this morning because they were so excited to celebrate me for Mother’s Day, and with my husband’s help, they brought me breakfast in bed. Then they sneaked into the kitchen to do dishes while I was outside, only after insisting on making me a new recipe they discovered for lunch.

I can’t say I have my dream house, or my dream car, or my dream career, but I have four amazing children and a wonderful husband who appreciate me and who celebrated me today. There are four little people who look up to me and who I am teaching to navigate life, and even though they sometimes aggravate me and push boundaries and make me feel like I’m losing my mind, I get glimpses of the amazing people they are becoming. I am helping impact the next generation, in my very own home. No, I never imagined my life would look like this; my picture looked very different.

But sometimes life doesn’t go the way we plan…and in it’s own unique way…it’s even better.

Happy Mother’s Day to all of the moms out there!!!

The Death of Laughter

Leave a reply

A few days ago, I was once again going through the motions of the day: get up, have coffee with my husband before he leaves for work, get settled into working from home, and then help the kids with distance learning. The schedule seems to work well, but for some reason, it now feels like it is sucking the life out of me. I would compare it to Wesley on “The Princess Bride” when he is told, “I’ve just sucked one year of your life away.”

Distance learning is wearing on me. One of my children was assigned a major project that we worked on until almost 9:00 every night last week. In the midst of long hours of distance learning and the kids just not understanding their assignments, the thought hit me, “I miss laughing.”

The last few weeks have been long and difficult. The routine that seemed to work for our family, now felt mundane. Some teachers began lessening the distance-learning load, but others seemed to think the kids had finally gotten the hang of it so they began assigning more. I can’t help thinking that I would much rather be on vacation, or at the beach, or just walking aimlessly around a mall.

However, as I worked from home in the morning, helped with distance learning in the afternoon, made dinner, and then helped with a project all evening, I realized that as much as I tell people the importance of having fun, I haven’t been following my own advice.

There are so many cute ideas of activities for fun at home, like making an indoor fort or having a scavenger hunt. The problem is, that I only have one child who would enjoy these things. The other ones would probably secretly enjoy it, but as middle schoolers, anything Mom suggests seems to be a stupid, horrible, awful idea…so most of time, the energy it would take to try to convince the kids that it would be fun, just doesn’t seem worth it.

I still haven’t really figured out what middle schoolers enjoy. I am convinced that what they enjoy is aggrevating their parents, acting too cool for anything parents suggest, and finding friends who are just as annoying as them. Don’t get me wrong, I love my middle schoolers. Nothing gives me more joy then trying to act cool in an effort to annoy them. It gives me great satisfaction to hear them say, “Mom, just don’t.” I find their quirky way of trying to figure out how to transition from childhood into adulthood endearing.

However, when you are trying to find ways to make quarantine more enjoyable, the words, “Mom, just don’t” put a damper on efforts to lighten the mood. Small children are demanding, but entertaining them is so much easier. They would be ecstatic about a scavenger hunt or a creative play fort. I could tell them to make me “dinner” with their play food or to make something with play dough, and it would keep them entertained for hours. However, that is not where we are in life.

Instead, I have middle schoolers and a high schooler with challenging distance learning classes, and an elementary school student who seems to have more work than any of them. All of this has created an atmosphere where fun seems to have disappeared. Thus creating the present state of affairs, where laughter is a distant memory.

Don’t get me wrong, there are times when we laugh, but the joy and light-heartedness that we previously enjoyed seems to have vanished. In its place are long hours of distance learning, working home, and no social interaction.

They say they are lifting stay-at-home orders and curfews, but what does that even mean? Many people are still worried about spending time with others and most places of entertainment are still closed. I long to see my friends, to experience some type of normalcy, but it feels so unachievable, and last week the epiphany that laughter seems lost was a sad reminder that I need to find small ways to bring laughter back into our home. So…

For now, I think I am going to brainstorm and make a list of 20 ways to effectively annoy middle schoolers.