It has been said that the true definition of character is who we are when no one is looking. The truth is many of us play roles. We dress up and appear professional at work, when internally we question our decisions and if we’ve making the correct choice. We act like the perfect parent in front of others but lose patience in our own home, especially after four months of quarantine. Sometimes we take on roles, because we feel like we must in order to survive and navigate the world around us. Other times we take on roles because we feel like we “should.”

When we begin acting out of the “shoulds,” we act from a place of false guilt. We feel guilty, that we “should” do this or be this way, or we “should” do that. Don’t get me wrong, there are actions that will damage our relationships with others or violate the laws of society that we should not do and these are things that should create a sense of true guilt within us. However, there are many things that we believe that we “should” do, that come from a place of false guilt.

There are many “shoulds” that we take on that create false guilt and shame in our lives. Here are five common “shoulds” people believe:

Should: I should spend every waking minute with my children or I am a bad parent.

Truth: It is healthy to have hobbies and interests outside of your children. In addition, it is important to spend time by yourself to self-reflect, to grow as a person, and to get refreshed. These things demonstrate to your children the importance of living a healthy, balanced life and set a good example for your children to follow.

Should: I should always have the answers or people will question my knowledge as a professional.

Truth: It is okay if you don’t have all the answers and you tell the other person that you will look into it. This demonstrates to others that you are willing to research and learn, that you are honest and teachable, and that you will go above and beyond to find the answers to help them.

Should: I should have it all together or people will think less of me.

Truth: Life is messy. No one’s life is perfect, no matter what people make it look like on social media. Sometimes realizing that you don’t have it all together makes you more approachable to others. They see you dealing with life’s messes and surviving. This often results in people coming to you for advice and looking up to you for wisdom. In addition, pretending you’re perfect is exhausting. Being real and authentic is much more rewarding in the long run. However, with that being said, it is important to use judgment and caution when sharing life’s challenges with others because some people are not confidential or like to gossip.

Should: I should ______ more than I do.

Truth: Sometimes people believe that by saying “I should do this activity more,” that it will motivate them to be more productive. However, false guilt is generally more debilitating than it is motivating. Constantly “beating myself up” with my internal dialog is rarely helpful. These “shoulds” can apply to almost anything. I should pray more often. I should spend more time with my aging parent. I should read my Bible more often. I should spend more quality time with my spouse. I should clean my house more often. None of these things are bad. However, when something is important to you, it is more beneficial to set an attainable goal. The “shoulds” can be paralyzing, but goals can be productive and life-giving.

Should: I should not let _____ bother me so much.

Truth: Some people and situations are bothersome. Let’s face it: some people just irritate us and being around them is like listening to nails on a chalkboard. When we find ourselves dwelling on a person or situation that bothers us, we have several choices. We can speak (respectfully) to the person who bothers us about how we feel and try to resolve our differences. If this does not seem like a viable option, we can journal or speak to someone else about how we feel. We can give ourselves permission to be irritated for awhile; we don’t want to stay irritated forever because that only leads to unforgiveness and bitterness; however, sometimes situations are irritating and feelings are a normal part of life that we need to recognize and accept to move past them.

The key to dealing with the “shoulds” is to recognize their role in our lives and to begin actively acknowledging them. Once the “shoulds” are brought to the surface, we can intentionally begin to address them, as their presence often lead to stress, anxiety, and a feeling of being incapacitated.

Coming later this week: Setting attainable goals rather than living in the “shoulds.”